Money can’t even buy you a good night’s sleep. Almost half of us (44% of Americans!) consider personal finances a harrowing, even taboo, topic – and almost all of us (91%!) avoid talking about it with our partners. It’s hardly surprising that studies show that money is the leading cause of relationship stress.

Clearly, money is a loaded topic. It leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, divorce, and, yes, even war. Why is talking about money so frightening? Why do people go nuclear when it’s even mentioned?  How did it become such a powerful trigger?

The truth is, most of us were never taught anything about money: how to handle it, how to discuss it, or even how to feel about it. As a result, we create money stories that not only wreak havoc on our bank accounts, but also impact how we feel about ourselves and see our value as human beings. In short, our money stories can create anger, embarrassment, resentment, and, worse, shame.

According to Brené Brown, shame needs secrecy, silence, and judgment in order to thrive. Our money stories are often a co-creation of what our parents taught us, what society modeled for us, and what we fear most. And those stories are fed by all three.

Everyone has a money story. Mine was that you have to work really hard to make a lot of it, unless, of course, you’re a trust fund baby (which I’m not) or you’re lucky enough to win the lottery (which I’m waiting for, and very patiently, I might add). I also believed that if I admitted my desire to make a lot of money, I’d be perceived as shallow, materialistic, greedy, and non-spiritual (which, in my line of work, is akin to committing murder). As a result, I worked harder than I wanted or even needed to. And when I achieved anything approaching abundance, I tended to self-sabotage, so I could get back to a comfort zone of appropriate struggle.

I once had a brilliant client who made seven figures a year, but the message she’d internalized from her parents’ money story was that it was wrong to earn more than you need. After paying for food and rent, you should give anything left over to the church or charity.

Now, she loved making money. Money allowed her many freedoms, including traveling around the world, buying a second home, and paying for her children’s private school education. But when she filled out her tax returns, received a promotion, or earned a year-end bonus, she felt intense amounts of shame. This internal conflict made it difficult for her to enjoy the benefits of her abundance and created a chasm between her and her parents.

Here are some other money stories I hear from my clients:

• There’s only so much money to go around.  
• You shouldn’t want more than you need or have.  
• Money is hard to come by. 
• I should have more money by now, and because I don’t, something is inherently wrong with me.
• If I make a lot of money, I’m betraying my (parents, faith, working class roots).
• I’m not good with money.

No matter what story we tell ourselves about money, a likely result is an intense amount of shame that erodes our feelings of self-worth. We don’t see our money story as changeable and fixable, because we don’t even perceive it as fiction. We just figure we’re uniquely flawed and lame.

As Girlboss editor Theresa Avila says, “When we’re ashamed of our finances, a low bank balance feels like a personal failure. It’s easier to feel extra guilt and extra pain when you assume it’s just you.” But money is just a thing, a tool, even. It’s a form of energy, and is neither inherently good or bad. Once you learn to perceive and treat money as a benign force, then you can change your relationship with it and create more financial abundance.

The first step to shifting your beliefs is to bring awareness to your personal money story and how it impacts you.

Here are some fill-in-the-blanks to help:

My Money Story

Earning money is ____________________.
Spending money is ____________________.
Saving money is ____________________.
I believe money is ____________________.
Money makes me ____________________.
I love having money because ____________________.
I hate having money because ____________________.
If I had more money, I would ____________________.
What I learned about money is ____________________.
I was taught that money is ____________________.
My mother always told me that money was ____________________.
My father always told me that money was ____________________.
My religion taught me that money was ____________________.
My excuses for not making more money are ____________________.

What beliefs, themes, or patterns stood out for you?  What messages did you adopt? How are those messages showing up in your life today?

Next, create a new money story by neutralizing and flipping your old ones. For example:

“I’m not good with money” becomes:
“I am learning how to handle money.”
“There’s only so much to go around” becomes
“There is plenty for everyone, including me.”
“I’m not making enough money, so something must be wrong with me” becomes:
“Money is not a measure of my self-worth.”

Finally, practice thinking, speaking, and living your new money story. Write it on sticky notes posted where you can see them. Ask yourself how a person who believes this new money story would behave: what choices they would make, what actions they might take – and do them.

Above all, be open to talking about money, especially with your partner. Money shame grows in darkness. Throw open the curtains. Shame cannot survive the light.