Revitalizing Your Love Life with the Relationship Desire Map
We call it “the honeymoon phase” for a reason. It’s that delicious, I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you period when you adore every single thing about your partner – even the sound of his snore. But honeymoons are finite by design, and swoons inevitably give way to predictability and even irritation. I mean, that snore. You wouldn’t really smother him with a pillow, but you can see how someone, you know, would.
Over time, our relationship ends up taking a back seat to paying bills, raising kids, and the business of life. There are losses as well: a job, a parent, or the death of a dream. Our routines are essential, but they can dull desire and diffuse our yearning for the deep connection, vibrancy, and romance we experienced when we were dating. The challenge is beautifully articulated by relationship therapist Esther Perel:
“How can we go about cultivating mystery within the familiar? The way I see it is that our fundamental need for safety (often what propels us toward committed relationships in the first place) is countered by the equally strong need for adventure. Reconciling these two competing needs is at the heart of sustaining desire over time. It is a paradox to manage, not a problem to solve.”
I’ve faced this paradox in my own marriage, which, after almost 30 years, had become somewhat rote and routine. I craved more, but common wisdom told me it wasn’t possible. This is just what happens in relationships, right?
Wrong. Routine may be somewhat inevitable, but losing romance to it is not. A year and a half ago, on the brink of wondering if my marriage was over, I began to wake up to my life and connect to my deepest desires to feel alive and vibrant, more playful. To experience mystery and passion and creativity. I wanted to feel that sizzle again!
I didn’t want to become that couple sitting, mute, across a restaurant table from each other. So I made a commitment to claiming my desire for a deeply connected, rich, adventurous, and passionate marriage. As a result, I’ve created what I call the Relationship Desire Map and I want to share it with you today. You can use this in your own relationship and/or with your clients.
The Relationship Desire Map
- Get some butcher paper, preferably the self-stick kind.
- Find some wall space and paste two pieces of butcher paper next to one another.
- Get a marker.
- Decide who will be the scribe.
- Time to play! Each of you will articulate your desires (emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, etc.,), what you want from the other or from the relationship. The scribe jots it down on the butcher paper.
(These can be anything! I want you to wear sexy lingerie. I want you to put me to bed at night by scratching my back. I want us to read a book together and discuss it. I want to walk the El Camino. I want us to deep-listen to one another for five minutes without giving advice, making judgments, or trying to solve the problem. I want each of us to plan a surprise date once a month. I want you to take surfing lessons.)
- The caveats! This is a brainstorm. The listener may never say NO. Instead, the listener will say “Yes and …” “Yes and” is an improvisational technique, and its goal is to promote active listening–to listen to what’s being said and pay attention. It is also meant to be generative and summon in creative ideas. In short, you may not say things like, we can’t afford it, no way will I do that, who will babysit the kids, we don’t have time, or that’s impossible.
Keep going until you’ve exhausted all your ideas. Once you’re finished, review each desire and together decide on at least two that you’ll implement, and calendar them. I suggest you start by picking things that are more low stakes, like buying sexy lingerie or reading a book together.
The objective here is to explore the landscapes of your relationship – the edges, if you will – and discover where you can ignite what you want more of. Perhaps it’s more sex, or maybe more imaginative sex. Is it adventure or play you’re longing for? Are you craving more freedom or more quality time together? Are you hungry for more mystery? More intimacy? More romance? If you were having a more _____ (fill in the feeling you want, e.g., a more passionate and vibrant relationship) what things would you be doing to prove that?
The honeymoon may be over, but the romance is not. Reconnect to each other with the Relationship Road Map. I’d love to hear how it works out for you.
