When I get into the occasional argument with my husband—usually over something trivial—I know just what I want. I want him to agree to see the latest chick flick. I want him to take out the trash before the kitchen smells like the back alley of a fast food joint. I want him to replace the friggin’ empty toilet paper roll with a new one—and to actually put it on the holder, not just leave it sitting on top of the empty cardboard tube.
Except, inevitably, none of those things are what I really want. And so, ten or fifteen minutes into pointless bickering, I figuratively smack my head in a sort of “V8” moment: “OH! This isn’t about the garbage or the Charmin!” It’s about something else. Usually a semi-buried something else. Something that had come squirting out disguised as a minor marital hiccup.
We humans are continually building up a stockpile of needs, wants and desires. It’s normal and even healthy—but, what’s not healthy is allowing them to go unexpressed.
Left to fester, these once-innocent wishes grow bitter and toxic, leaving us emotionally bloated with repressed feelings and constipated with beliefs about what everyone else around us “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing. Worse, we keep these beliefs secret. I mean, if they loved us, we shouldn’t have to ask, right?
Wrong.
Unfulfilled needs turned inward and withheld are as poisonous to our systems as last week’s undigested burrito. And if we walk around holding it all in, what usually happens is an unpleasant eruption in the most inconvenient of places—on the massage table, in a crowded elevator, or, maybe, in the middle of what was a perfectly nice day with your spouse. By the time we loosen our emotional sphincters and let ‘er rip, it’s as disconcerting and obnoxious as a big loud toot from a butt trumpet. And instead of getting what we want, all we manage to do is clear the room.
Think of the last time you had an argument or a difficult discussion with your spouse, your boss, your sibling or a friend.  Chances are you wanted a particular response from them. Maybe you were craving a little special attention from your spouse, maybe you wanted respect from your boss or emotional support from your sister, a place to complain without your friend giving advice.
The more we don’t get what we want from the other person, the more desperate we become. And we all know how attractive and motivating desperation is, right?
Next time you find yourself entangled in an argument or find yourself frustrated with someone, ask yourself “What do I really want?”  Do you want tenderness? Affection?  Kindness?  Understanding?  Love?  Would you be willing to interrupt your usual pattern of worrying, overeating, sniping or pouting and ask for what you want instead?
I want all of those things from my husband. I also want him to change the toilet paper. And those, my friends, are two different conversations.
What is it you want? Next time, can you ask for it?