I did something pretty embarrassing in yoga class. So I never went back.
 
My tennis teacher was really mean to me. I stopped playing tennis.
 
I opened up to a friend. She looked at me blankly and changed the subject.
 
I’ll never be that vulnerable again, I told myself.
 
All of these events happened several years ago. So why am I bringing it up now? Bear with me.
 
My not-so-secret girl crush Brené Brown writes in her Gifts of Imperfection that we are all hard-wired for connection. By keeping our guard up or pushing people away, we don’t allow anyone–including ourselves—to see who we really are, and we end up missing out on the things we want the most: a sense of belonging.   
 
Sometimes it’s appropriate to armor up, like when we’re getting that instinctive, creeped out feeling from some guy lurking outside the supermarket. Most of the time, though, we tuck our true selves away in order to avoid what Brené calls “our uncomfortable feelings of worry, fear, shame, sadness and irritation”, which is why, she points out, the U.S. is the most overweight and self-medicated country in the world.
 
We believe that if we wear either the “I’m strong, smart, pretty, cool funny, wise and got it together” mask or, conversely, the “retaliatory screw them, I’ll show you” mask, we can somehow avoid being hurt, shamed, ridiculed or reinjured. You know, like that time your Dad ordered you to suck it up, or when your fifth grade teacher compared you unfavorably to your older, “smarter” sister.  This masking in order to avoid the universal fear that there’s something wrong with us or that we’re not good enough just the way we are is called Tatemae by the Japanese. Its meaning is simple: to behave in the way we believe others expect of us. Honne, on the other hand,is our private face, our true feelings and desires. In Japan, as in many places, this is considered somehow a shameless thing to be kept hidden.
 
When we practice Tatemae, the side effects can be so devastating that we risk losing the most meaningful parts of ourselves: our joy, our sense of adventure, our purpose, our creativity and most importantly our connection to others and to ourselves. When I never went back to that yoga class, or when I accepted, stuffing my feelings, that my “friend” simply wasn’t interested in my feelings, I chose to make those circumstances mean that it’s not safe for me to be vulnerable with anyone.
 
When I do this—when we do this—our world effectively shrinks. It makes sense, we believe, to avoid the circumstances and people who make us uncomfortable. But while we may want to make choices about whose energy and opinions we let on board, it doesn’t ultimately serve us to point fingers at others or simply avoid whatever makes us feel threatened.  Because there is absolutely nothing safe about not being who you genuinely are. 
 
So, you may be wondering what I’m talking about what I refer to “showing up” in our life.
 
This is what it means to me:
 
To be honest about what I want
To ask for help when I need it
To not pretend that I’m fine when I’m not
To be courageous and ask that question, even if I’m afraid of being perceived as stupid
To tell the truth (especially to myself), and to be brave enough to tell that truth compassionately
To not care what people think when I tell them that I thought Mackelmore was a brand of granola and I still listen to 70’s music
To feel my uncomfortable feelings and not try and make it better by drinking too much wine, eating too many chocolate chip cookies or telling someone else how to behave
To allow myself to be seen without apology
To allow myself to be heard without regret
To believe for myself what I tell my children – that they are worthy and lovable
To be fully present wherever I am and with whomever I’m with
To forgive myself for letting someone down, for cooking a crappy meal, for not always being kind, for being a snotty mess  – for not being perfect
To take responsibility for when I screw up and not defend, explain or justify
To sing “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” as often and as loud as I want to
 
What does showing up mean to you?
 
And by the way, I’ll be going back to that yoga class next week. Right after I dig out that old tennis racquet.