To start with, I hadn’t slept well. I had just recovered from a stomach flu AND a head cold. I was scheduled to teach a class of coaches about a concept both simple and, at the same time, tricky to explain. On top of it all, my husband was with his mother at the emergency room, and I was nervously awaiting a text about her condition.

There were plenty of reasons why I got distracted and screwed up, speaking a good deal less clearly than I would have liked about my topic and confusing several students. But after the fact, when the crises had resolved (including clarifying the concept I was teaching to my class of coaches), all I could focus on what was, to me, my failure. I’d let everybody down. I’d let myself down. And I just couldn’t find self-forgiveness or even self-compassion.
Just like a bungee jumper leaping into the unknown, I found myself falling, falling, and then bouncing back to where I started. Right back to the days when beating myself up was one of my well-practiced sports. It’s aerobic, right? Oh, wait, it’s not.
What were you thinking?, my brain scolded me in a very unpleasant tone. Assuming you were actually thinking at all? This should never have happened. What are people going to think?  You just ruined your reputation!    
Ironically, I help people with these sorts of problems:  taking risks, preparing for mistakes and failures, and reframing failure not as abnormal, but as a mere setback, something to learn from, something that is inherent on the road to success.  A necessity if you will to achieve anything worthwhile in your life. A requirement if you are part of the human race. In fact, I’ve been known to congratulate people when they fail.
But this was different. It was happening to me, and it was my turn to walk my talk.
So I called one of my dearest friends, who happens to be one of the best coaches I know. And here’s what she helped me remember:
 

•  Keep the drama in check, girlfriend. “You mean you’re human?” my friend asked me. I was so down I actually double-checked. Nope, arm not made of plastic, must actually be human. I sighed in relief. Somehow reminding myself of my own humanity put my oops in perspective and made it a lot less dramatic and isolating than I had made it out to me. When you f^ck up, remind yourself that this is what it means to be a part of the shared human experience.

• Beating yourself up will not motivate you to do better next time. Contrary to popular practice, criticizing yourself will not help you reach your goals or keep you feeling peaceful or even sane. It’s more likely to send you crawling into bed with a quart of Baskin Robbins’ peanut butter and chocolate to binge watch Orange is the New Black.  Not that I’ve done that.  When you try to berate yourself into better behavior, the results are likely to be depression and an extra pound or two of BR’s on your hips. (I know, how can a quart of ice cream = two pounds? It defies the laws of physics. But there you go. Beating yourself up is crazy, and comes with crazy consequences.)

• Perfectionism is not the same as excellence. Julia Cameron said it best : “Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us nothing we do will ever be good enough. For the perfectionist, there are no first drafts, rough sketches, warm-up exercises. Every draft is meant to be final, perfect, set in stone.” Striving to be excellent at whatever it is that you do, whether it’s your craft, a hobby, or even mothering your child means that you get to decide what it means to be excellent.  If this includes never making a mistake, you will likely be doomed to a boring, stifling, but perhaps “safe” life. Yawn. I’d rather watch a documentary about ear wax.

• Show self-compassion. According to the Confidence Code, “self-compassion drives confidence – allowing us to take the very risks that build it.” In other words, when you are empathetic with yourself and comfort yourself the way you would a friend, it creates a soft landing that will inspire you to take action when you fall off the horse. And you will.

• Call a friend or a coach.  Don’t hide or diminish what you are feeling. Pretending that it didn’t happen or didn’t affect you the way that it did will only exacerbate what you are feeling. As hard as it may be, share your story with someone you trust, someone who has your back. That’s what my dear friend/coach did, she told me stories of how she screwed up. This felt just as good and maybe better than Baskin Robbins peanut butter and chocolate. Which is saying a lot because BR rules.

 
Last, and most importantly, when you screw up, apologize–but make sure you’re apologizing for the right thing. Don’t apologize for being fallible. Apologize, instead, for any hurt, confusion or destruction you may have left in your wake (likely it’s nowhere near as bad as you think, anyway). And then move on.