….on the wall, whose the biggest _________of all.  I invite you to revisit this statement and fill in the blank once you finish reading this article. 

Have you ever noticed yourself having an unusually strong response to something or somebody and you’re not sure why.  Have you ever wondered why you can't stand someone after meeting them only five minutes earlier?  Have you ever reacted with disgust after passing someone in the street that spit, picked their nose, or behaved impolitely?  Have you ever had heated conversations with friends or gossiped about others who may have behaved immorally, outrageously or inappropriately?   Good.  Then you are normal. 

I notice when I coach clients many of our sessions revolve around how others have done something unfair, cruel or wrong.  I often hear “she lied; he yelled at me, they’re being unfair”.  And, often they are right.  People do lie, people do yell and others are unfair.  Reality doesn’t wait for our seal of approval.  But that’s not actually why my clients are hurt, annoyed or stressed.  They are in pain because they righteously blame others instead of looking inside themselves.    Blaming is easy because it let’s us off the hook.  We don’t have to take responsibility for the condition or quality of our lives if we are continually blaming the external circumstances.  Blaming, however, keeps you stuck.  It’s a dead end path, a waste of time and keeps the focus off you.  You may succeed in trying to make this other person feel guilty for what they did, but I promise it won’t change what’s making you so unhappy.

So how do you change what’s making you most unhappy?   First, you must be willing to haul out the truth and make an agreement with yourself to stop living in denial.  Until you are willing to get super honest with yourself, you will never be able to figure out what you do want.  It starts with owning the parts of yourself that you feel the most embarrassed and shameful about.  For example, when someone behaves in a way that triggers a strong reaction, it is ususally a sign that this is a quality that you possess.  The concept is called Projection and it was coined by Dr. Freud.  It’s actually a self-defense mechanism.    What it means is that we take our self perceived shortcomings and transfer them onto others.  This is why we see those traits so blatantly and so clearly in them and it’s also why we respond so strongly when someone else exhibits this behavior.

Try the following exercise:

• Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns. 

Pick someone that has hurt, angered or irritated you (your partner, your  child, you mother, your boss) and make a list of everything that person has done to hurt you.  

It might look like this:

                  My mother is stingy with money

My sister is impatient

My boss doesn’t stand up for me

• After listing all the things this person has done to hurt you in column one, move to column two.  Take the subject out of each hurt you listed in column one and replace it with "I" and see where each statement is true.  Find examples or reasons why the statement is true or truer for you than the original accusation. 

               Example:

               I am stingy with money

               I am impatient

               I don't stand up for me

Debbie Ford says that only when you own and embrace all parts of yourself, your strengths and your weaknesses, your wins and your losses, your vastness and nothingness, will you be safe enough to let your divine self emerge. 

Now, go back to the beginning of the article and fill in the blank.  Say it aloud to yourself and repeat it until there is no shame or embarrassment attached to it.  Acknowledge that you are whole and beautiful, flaws and all!